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Archive for September, 2011|Monthly archive page

Faking Compliments

In Humor on September 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

“What a great place is this!!”, A property broker said when he entered the gate of hell.

It is amazing how an estate agent or a car seller can give convincingly fake compliments. You know that they are lying their brains out. But their expressions, their voice and that glare of admiration makes you believe in whatever adjective they use to describe any piece of crap. If they can give fake compliments why can’t we?

We men are very bad at complimenting. We can never manage to give any ‘satisfactory’ answer to some very difficult questions. Many time we come across various awkward when your girl friend asks you, “Do you like my dress?”;”Do you like my hair?”;
“Do I look fat?”
The truth
You know the truth. You know that these questions demand praise. All you have to do is LIE. Compliment them, praise their heavenly appearance. But we just can’t. We are helpless by the burden of truth. Even if we try to say something ‘satisfactory’ our low confidence comes in the way. The voice drops, awkward pause, hesitation, scuffle of neck or any other ‘micro expressions’ that can give away our facade of lie betrays us. We just can’t compliment them.

In female world every non-compliment is an insult. That is why  ladies meeting each other praise every damn part of their body or ornament they can lay eye on. They will scream, jump, dance in the trance of complimenting. They will not leave even a single female participant from the generous supply of compliments. They expect the same from us. But listen.. God did not make us that way. Even if we like something we just don’t express it. It’s not Manly to express our emotions on material things like earings, or fake color of hair, or the satin dress or any hopeless pair of shoes. Max what we can do to compliment you is to pay the bill… But then these emotions even I can not express to any female in my life!!

So I learned the other way round.. I learned from estate agents, car dealers, female colleagues. I learned how to fake a compliment. Once you learn it’s freaking easy to do. The first thing is to learn some basic words and the tone to say them. Like when you say ‘wow’ stress on both the ‘Ws’ and a longer than usual ooooo. When you say ‘awesome’ Exhale all your breath in ‘awe’ and ‘some’! Try to animate. All the ‘great’ ‘delicious’ ‘incredible”beautiful’ should be appropriately accompanied by hand and eye gestures. The more animated you are more ‘satisfactory’ the compliment becomes. These can be used when you have absolutely nothing to say and the female is looking at you with loomy eyes. These are pressure busters.

If you happened to have a lot of time to think a compliment. You can be diplomatic . You don’t have to lie nor say the acrid truth. When asked “If I look fat?” you can say.. “If I call you fat what should I call Mrs. Mehta, she is like a baby hippo!!” This way you can successfully divert an awkward question to the most beloved topic of gossiping!! There are also other ways to get away from a appreciation traps. Like appreciating any mundane object like sandals or earrings. If you don’t observe anything just say something about their hair, They always do something with hair. This blind shot always hits the bull’s eye!!

The HusbandHowever the most dangerous situation comes on dining table. You come home after a heavy day, your wife has arranged the table and made some alien recipe. Without any notice or prior warning you are invited to the table. Photos of the dish are already there on Facebook. The world can now see your wife’s cooking skills and your anguish. You are helpless but to be a guinea pig. You resolve and get ready for the experiment with stomach. The dish gets served and you search for any operating manual how to eat stuff.. No escape!! You some how manage to put that ‘edible’ in your mouth and that’s the moment of agony… You know the food is hell, the salt is not proper, spices are not right. Your face twitches. The eyes are filled with pain. Throat refuses any entry to foreign particles. And the devil’s daughter your wife is looking down for compliments. The real man, swallows the pain and food, He empties the dishes and burps the sorrow. He looks at the satisfied wife. She has the joy of having captured world’s awesomest guinea pig ever from world of matrimonial. And you have learned the art of Lie!!

So guys!! Faking compliments are great tool to lead a successful relationship. It can also help you to get advances in female realm. Not only that but also it helps in corporate world where a lie is as worshiped as a boss’ dog!

Be A Man! Do the fake compliment!!

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Thought Works!

In Dil Se on September 11, 2011 at 10:55 pm

How the Thoughts work?

Right here where I am sitting with my laptop trying to think and write, there is a song being played by roommates having a drink party in another room. Someone is playing counter strike. A death match! With sounds of continuous firing of sniper gun, AK47 and One or two occasional shots of Desert Eagle. Bands and dhols playing with Ganesh Visarjan procession. A strong smell of rice being cooked and whistle of pressure cooker appears from nowhere. Eyes strain and try to concentrate and oscillate between screen and keyboard now and then. And in all this commotion I want to desperately write about how my thoughts work to realise and be born on paper.

Open Your Mind

Open Your Mind

Thoughts are distracting; thoughts are clumsy, raw, crude form of mind. They wander like wind in the open field, like a bird in the sky. If the mind settles on something they are swept away like a dead leaf by weakest gust of air. They are uncontrolled, unretractable, unrealistic. There is nothing as volatile as a thought and nothing as free and independent as a mind which creates them.

Brain here has a great job to do. It has to regularise these raw thoughts, bring them in unison and put them on paper through the determined motion of hand and fingers. Cross check that which has come up on paper is really what the mind and thoughts are working on to be. Is it grammatically right, socially acceptable and to the point.

Sometimes it is not, sometimes it absolutely is. But then I wonder how this process goes on, how my brain can perceive, predict and produce what these wandering thoughts may have to say? What is really am ‘I’ thinking?

Consider an emotional issue or an incident that shook your brains out, something very close to your heart and you have to make an opinion about it. What happens? The brain gets confused, lots and lots of thoughts start ringing in your head. Different perceptions and possibilities start to sprout in head. Your emotions, experiences, faiths, believes try to obscure the mind. There is a chaos in seconds; the brain explodes with this mayhem. Brain doesn’t know how to come to one opinion, how to ‘Organise’ thoughts!

In such situations I try to call an assembly of thoughts (it sounds weird but yeah, that’s what I am). All thoughts are given a chance to say what they want to say. The ‘I’ (which is the boss thought) try to listen to thoughts without any prejudice or any bias. The ‘I’ will listen to all possible facets and perceptions. The less likely and silent thoughts are also given a chance to say and put forward their case; they are encouraged to think out of the box. Then the ‘I’ weighs them by trying to be unattached, emotionless about the situation. Though the entire thinking process is too long and too bureaucratic it helps in some trivial and confusing issues where emotions can easily stray away the brain from the absolute position.

The opinion so form is usually most balanced one. Thinking through the emotions and other distractions without being affected by them is hardly possible.  Still stability of mind if consciously maintained may give an opinion which is justifiable in every aspect. It may not be a true opinion and you may not completely believe it but if your mind and brain believes in it, Then yes it’s the best you can get!

 The thoughts stray, the mind wanders but the brain which controls them is in your power. Emotions, Prejudices, Believes, Faiths and Trusts may affect your thoughts. Bodily senses may confuse your brain. But then thoughts have to converge and form opinions, opinions have to convince the brain, and then brain has to find words and express itself to the paper.

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I stray away from the topic a lot of times, cannot keep hold of the thoughts, but then that’s what I’m working on. I want to put my thoughts and words in order. I want them to build in to a logical story a meaningful monologues presentation. It’s hard, It’s tiresome. But I am not a professional; Only inspiration that drives me to do this is my will to produce it. To do this. And that is what matters most to me. I’ll keep on writing; I’ll keep on scribbling as long as the coal in my thought doesn’t shine like diamond through my words.

Another rainy day!

In His Story, Story on September 3, 2011 at 11:47 am

A Rainy Day

I woke up today hearing tender trickle on the window shade!! AGAIN!!!

The sky was dark, darker than when it was during dementors attack in Harry Potter 7. Little drizzle with small droplets of water was coming in from the window onto my face, I was feeling like little kid peeing and splashing his own urine on his pants. The cold intoxicating breeze like a breath of a deadly snake was foul by gutter odor. Gloomy weather, half wet cloths and stinky air were ideal condition to sleep off the idle day and skip work just as Sun did today. But my stomach grumbled and twitched, un-brushed teeth and gas in my stomach made me get up and perform my daily rituals. I had to leave this filthy bliss of bed and rotting warmth of moss infested rug to get going.

Water was already nauseating me, mere mention of it was good enough for me to dry puke and avoid any water contact what so ever. But you know, “Water is Life” and all, I had to use it, to brush, to clean my filth, to wash myself after that. I thought of skipping the bath for a day but if i do that today it would be a week without shower, so I strike out that thought for the sake of hygiene, I dry washed myself with wet tissues and put on a lot of deodorant. I was acting like a deodorant to the deodorant. We successfully cancelled out each others odor. So I put perfume. Nice provogue shirt and comfortable pepe jeans were waiting for me where I dropped them last night. Right at the spot near my spanky clean lee cooper shoes. Rainy season is good for leather shoes, no dirt no whitening of black shoes, whatever little mud that gets on them can easily be scratched out with a pen or nail for that matter, they get spanky clean with a small dip in stagnant pothole water bodies. I found two dried up mismatching (matching is for blouses) socks lying in corner of my shoe rack under old newspapers.I got ready, did my hair in the rayban sunglasses and i’m off to work.

I don’t carry umbrella, Umbrella is for uncles. I buy newspaper. When it’s raining it covers my head and when it’s not raining I can ogle at pictures in Bombay Times. And if a nice girl seats next to me in bus I can always pretend to be reading Economic times and impress her. It’s much much better than Umbrella. I went out, drizzle was still on, Two dogs were making love with each other in this romantic weather, A human couple walked past them in the gutter waters. Holding hands, laughing and dirty talking with each other to get in the tempo. I thought they got inspired from the dogs. I washed my shoes in one of the potholes, they look awesome. I polished them with my pants on the calf. Three girls of my company were standing at the bus stop. I smiled, They giggled, I ogled We moved on..

I found my perfect spot in the bus, I can see every girl that boards the bus. Their wet hair, drenched cloths, charming perfume makes my travel entertaining. Some smile at me, some try to flirt, for some I try to flaunt my muscles through my wet shirt. They enjoy. I like rainy season. It makes girls a bit more horny. I ignore most of them.

I don’t care about office. Work is a pastime to get money and buy more cloths. I don’t smoke. So i bought a water bottle. I add some vodka in it and drink off the entire day. I feel fresh when i get out of my cubicle. The rain continued.

I stay late in the office. My boss gets impressed by that, in the night there is none to complain about my bad alcoholic breath so i don’t have to use mouth freshener now and then. No girls around to disturb me while downloading movies and songs. I ask girls to do my work in day, they get it done from their wannabe boyfriends. I don’t sleep with any of them.

I called cab, the driver was dozing so I gave him some of my booze. I drove like Schumacher He slept in the back seat. Rain went on, there was a girl drunk and puked outside my door, I put her on my Neighbor’s doormat, went in, dropped my cloths. Removed my shoes. And went to bed.

Wishing to God there be no rain tomorrow!

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