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Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Faking Compliments

In Humor on September 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

“What a great place is this!!”, A property broker said when he entered the gate of hell.

It is amazing how an estate agent or a car seller can give convincingly fake compliments. You know that they are lying their brains out. But their expressions, their voice and that glare of admiration makes you believe in whatever adjective they use to describe any piece of crap. If they can give fake compliments why can’t we?

We men are very bad at complimenting. We can never manage to give any ‘satisfactory’ answer to some very difficult questions. Many time we come across various awkward when your girl friend asks you, “Do you like my dress?”;”Do you like my hair?”;
“Do I look fat?”
The truth
You know the truth. You know that these questions demand praise. All you have to do is LIE. Compliment them, praise their heavenly appearance. But we just can’t. We are helpless by the burden of truth. Even if we try to say something ‘satisfactory’ our low confidence comes in the way. The voice drops, awkward pause, hesitation, scuffle of neck or any other ‘micro expressions’ that can give away our facade of lie betrays us. We just can’t compliment them.

In female world every non-compliment is an insult. That is why  ladies meeting each other praise every damn part of their body or ornament they can lay eye on. They will scream, jump, dance in the trance of complimenting. They will not leave even a single female participant from the generous supply of compliments. They expect the same from us. But listen.. God did not make us that way. Even if we like something we just don’t express it. It’s not Manly to express our emotions on material things like earings, or fake color of hair, or the satin dress or any hopeless pair of shoes. Max what we can do to compliment you is to pay the bill… But then these emotions even I can not express to any female in my life!!

So I learned the other way round.. I learned from estate agents, car dealers, female colleagues. I learned how to fake a compliment. Once you learn it’s freaking easy to do. The first thing is to learn some basic words and the tone to say them. Like when you say ‘wow’ stress on both the ‘Ws’ and a longer than usual ooooo. When you say ‘awesome’ Exhale all your breath in ‘awe’ and ‘some’! Try to animate. All the ‘great’ ‘delicious’ ‘incredible”beautiful’ should be appropriately accompanied by hand and eye gestures. The more animated you are more ‘satisfactory’ the compliment becomes. These can be used when you have absolutely nothing to say and the female is looking at you with loomy eyes. These are pressure busters.

If you happened to have a lot of time to think a compliment. You can be diplomatic . You don’t have to lie nor say the acrid truth. When asked “If I look fat?” you can say.. “If I call you fat what should I call Mrs. Mehta, she is like a baby hippo!!” This way you can successfully divert an awkward question to the most beloved topic of gossiping!! There are also other ways to get away from a appreciation traps. Like appreciating any mundane object like sandals or earrings. If you don’t observe anything just say something about their hair, They always do something with hair. This blind shot always hits the bull’s eye!!

The HusbandHowever the most dangerous situation comes on dining table. You come home after a heavy day, your wife has arranged the table and made some alien recipe. Without any notice or prior warning you are invited to the table. Photos of the dish are already there on Facebook. The world can now see your wife’s cooking skills and your anguish. You are helpless but to be a guinea pig. You resolve and get ready for the experiment with stomach. The dish gets served and you search for any operating manual how to eat stuff.. No escape!! You some how manage to put that ‘edible’ in your mouth and that’s the moment of agony… You know the food is hell, the salt is not proper, spices are not right. Your face twitches. The eyes are filled with pain. Throat refuses any entry to foreign particles. And the devil’s daughter your wife is looking down for compliments. The real man, swallows the pain and food, He empties the dishes and burps the sorrow. He looks at the satisfied wife. She has the joy of having captured world’s awesomest guinea pig ever from world of matrimonial. And you have learned the art of Lie!!

So guys!! Faking compliments are great tool to lead a successful relationship. It can also help you to get advances in female realm. Not only that but also it helps in corporate world where a lie is as worshiped as a boss’ dog!

Be A Man! Do the fake compliment!!

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Jugaad

In Dil Se on February 26, 2011 at 12:12 am

Jugaad is a magical word. Just like in fairy tails calling “aabra ka dabra” can bring out anything out of thin air, Jugaad can get anything done in real word. It is like the ultimate solution to every problem, last resort to every journey, only way out from point of no return. In fact it is the greatest skill god has given to mankind to survive in the race of evolution. Jugaad has great powers. If someone just assures you that he has some jugaad to help you out, you are most confident that your work will certainly be done. Jugaad is god’s helping hand on earth.

Jugaad literally means  “an arrangement or a work around, which has to be used because of lack of resources”. It is the product of highest level of creativity and imagination to utilize the limited and cheap resources to give out the desired result. It has even found a place in unofficial management dictionary for its widespread reach and effectiveness. Moreover since it is practically so spontaneous & genuine that there is no any danger of copyright crime or intellectual property theft. Doing a Jugaad is legally accepted since most of the times it is used to find out way around the legal obligations. Jugaad can be used to repair something, buy or sell or just create what you want with what you have. Jugaad satisfies all, no harm to any one cause everyone knows and respects Jugaad. Jugaad has such a great public recognition.

When I was in engineering college my professor used to give us practical assignments. The assignment used to be to develop or test something theoretically and then do it practically using the given resources. In theory, as engineering practices, we used to come up with impractical solutions. For example calculations of weights up to mg accuracy, dimensions with micrometeoritic tolerance and  all. But practically these precisions were impossible to achieve with government college lab apparatuses. Clumsy weights and worn out scales used to create a big question in front of us to prove our theory practically. Bright brains of the class used to fail over this challenge. But our professor had only one solution to each question. “Do some Jugaad! I just want this damn thing to move, I don’t care how you do, But just Do!”

Then we used to work around, wrecking all the theories asunder, managing our solutions to change as per the given resources, deleting this, adding that, doing everything possible, thinking again and again we used to find a perfect Jugaad which had the capability to meet our professors acceptations. And just to increase the competitiveness he used to make groups and the group with best Jugaad used to win the highest rewards.

Jugaad is my most valuable learning from college. It was used not only in practical lab or examination hall but also more prominently in relationships. In fact Jugaad was another name for one’s girl/boy friend. If a boy is Jugaadu then he certainly has a lot many girls around him. If you look closely you can actually understand why a relationship is more or less like a Jugaad. Just like in Jugaad you have to work around in a relationship with available resources. Most of the times these worked out ways are illogical and practically impossible. Still just like Jugaad relationship work out in spite of everyone’s lack of confidence in it. And just like Jugaad they triumph and inspires in the tales of following generations.

So this dexterous Jugaad has many advantages. But to do a Jugaad is not a child’s play. Jugaad needs imagination, High level of creativity, a skill of thinking out of the box. Jugaad can not be learnt it should come from within. You can always learn how a Jugaad is done, but you can never understand how some one has invented it. In fact every scientific invention or innovation is nothing but a Jugaad. The first man who was too weak to push a flat rock on the ground did a Jugaad to come up with the wheel. Claw less man came up with Jugaad of stones to start the stone age. As the needs increased he developed the Jugaad of metals, machines, computers, laptops, microchips, mobile phones and lot many to come. Anthropologically speaking the only reason behind Man’s intelligent evolution is his ability to use the things around him to do the desired work (that is why chimps are close to Man ).In other words our whole success of evolutionary  excellency is nothing but Jugaad. A Jugaad which has continued for years and will continue till the last Man is alive.

Become a better liar

In Dil Se on February 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Lying is the most difficult thing. An underrated art which is not well acclaimed by society. Even though at some point of time everyone lies, but hearing someone justifying it makes us go on back foot. We don’t trust the liar even if he is telling a truth. Rather we cannot differentiate when the liar is lying or telling plain truth. A lying artist is the one who can make a rapport among people about his trustworthiness. People know he is indeed lying, but his words should make them believe in him. He is like a magician who by trick of his act makes people believe the unimaginable.

Lying needs to be refined. A crude lie is an easy catch. TAO’s Art of war says that to win a battle you should know your enemy. Lying is like a battle. A battle against the truth. This battle is difficult since truth obviously has better chances of winning. This means you should know exact truth about things which you are going to lie about. Making things up won’t help if you want to pour a lie down your victim’s throat. Know the truth, decorate it with attractive words, make it farji and then present it to your client. Now even if there is any truth peeping out of the attractive lie, he will just ignore it. Because no one wants a bitter truth but a sweetened lie.

George Costanza once said, a lie is not a lie unless you stop believing it. To be a better liar, first you should believe in it. Believe in the lie, think around it. Make up details, Gather evidences, close all the loop holes and then present it with confidence. For example if you want to lie about your previous day’s sick leave in office, don’t go with a smile on other day. Rather don’t bath, don’t make your hair, be as filthy and sick as you can. Take some old medicine wrappers with you, keep them next to your monitor or keyboard. If someone passes by your cubcle cough or sneeze or just give out a loud sigh. You should be so lousy in your actions that everyone should feel like you needed rest but for sake of work you came to office. Then after lunch hour go to boss with some work, take a tissue with you. Discuss work with boss, and when he is saying something blow your nose into tissue paper. Irritate him with this. After some time he will finally ask you about your health. Now tell him that you didn’t come yesterday because of headache, body pain etc. (for symptoms of general sickness refer Wikipedia). He will ask you “how are you feeling today?” You tell “A bit better than yesterday, but badly need a rest”. Whack!!! Boss will let you go early from the office. It’s just matter of your acting skills if you fetch one or two days more of paid sick leaves with a lie. Go home and enjoy!

Once a lie is deployed, stick to it! Never go back to truth. If the truth is very heavy to bear, then just twist it so it suits you. Accepting a lie is not an option. Say I was not aware of it or someone else tricked you into it. But keep your wicket guarded. Join the truth if needed, take a diplomatic stand, Hide the lie but never accept it. If you are a girl then it can just be avoided with a cute smile. If you are a boy you already have a brain to get out of it! Just be sure that it won’t back fire you!

Being a good liar has great potential. The best thing is it increases your creativity, your analytical skills. You can create a lie, decorate, build things around it everything with a great creativity. There is no limit for a lie. Only truth has got physical limitations. What may go wrong analysis is must for lying, if you can’t think of trapdoors to get out of lie you may get into big trouble. Think twice before you say, but Think twenty times before you lie. The efforts of lying will pay off sooner or later. Just believe in it and the Lie will do its work.
Summing up I would like to give you inspirational examples of great liars. Narad Muni was a liar, his lies were famous in 3 worlds but everyone still believed him. Yudhishthir, Bhagwan Krishna everyone lied for the sake of betterment. Bill Clinton, George W Bush, Narenrdra Modi, Shashi Tharoor all great politicians have lied.

Dhirubhai Ambani, A Raja, Ambani brother, Mark Zuckerberg all great businessmen are proved liars. Lying was never a problem for them, they just did it with full confidence and belief that it appeared as truth to everyone else. What went wrong was that they got caught and that what important is!!

Be a liar, just don’t get caught!!

Namaste!

In Introduction, Welcome on February 3, 2011 at 8:37 am

Welcome to my first blog people!

I think the first blog should tell something about me. I know none of the readers of this article (except me ) are eager to know who I am or how I am or any personal details like that. But as a human tendency I’ll just spill it out in front of you.

But before that I must ask you a Question!

Have you ever felt that you have an alter ego? A person inside you whom you are ashamed of? A part of mind that is so medieval that it can not be opened up in 21st century civilization?

My answer to this was a shy Yes! Out of this world of 0s and 1s I am a different person. My opinion counts there. My relatives, younger brothers, sisters look at me with an eye of admiration. They expect me to be more conservative, Good boy kind of. Where as my friends from college, close buddies those who kinda spoiled me know a different side of me.

I know this Tug of war between alter egos is not new to Our generation. A generation which has ethics of old days to follow and trends of new era to live with. And that is why I gave birth to Farjiaadmi. Farjiaadmi is a counterfeiter. A person who can give you anything anytime but with no guarantee of it’s authenticity. The validity of his statements can be true but should not be questioned. He will ask for o credit, or no recognition but at the cost of no responsibility. He is just Farji!

Now when i have just wrecked your confidence in me i’ll tell you theme of this writing endeavor!

I am a 25 years old (which is India’s demographic age) Indian Engineer. I live in a metro, Serve a MNC, Do some critical stuff which benefits owner of my company and India and this Universe (According to our HR). I am single with no commitments. And as I am like most of other Indians; I wanna be their(our) voice.

The voice will cry out loud some of our regular issues like……

Daily frustration from office/ Goverment policies/ Retarded TV shows/ People behaviors/ Intelligent Conversations/ Findings/ Short Abstract Stories/ reviews/ Photos that my alter Ego will click. Everything and much more will be put in here for Your and mine and entire virtual world’s benefit.

So all in all Farjiaadmi is not a real person but has issues of some real world. And with this food for thought I conclude my prologue and an Honest introduction to FarjiAadmi 🙂

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