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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Hair and There!

In Humor on December 5, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Every morning presents me a dreadful vision. I see my beloved friends leaving me. Some singles, some couples, some as a small nuclear family and some like a part of wedding party. Never the less they just leave. No strings attached and no emotions involved. They separate and bid adieu. No looking back or no words of parting. They just slip away. With every morning bath I see my black lustrous hair leaving my scalp and never returning back.

Balding is slow painful process for men. It is nothing like waking up a fine morning & finding wrinkles around your eyes. No ladies it is far worse than that. Specially when you think you are young and ready to  impress any girl with your rockstar looks and thick bob, these fugitive hair remind you that “Buddy, We are leaving!!” They leave when you are combing, when you wash your hair, when you scratch them for Ideas or sometimes even then when you move your hand through your hair as a beautiful lady passes by!! They just don’t stay.

The worst part of balding is, you are not the first to notice it.. and unfortunately you are not the last unless you are complete gone. It starts from various locations. The top left and top right corner starts residing like a low tide sea. The wavy canopy holds the field for few days, but alas they also drop their veil. Some times it starts from the back of head where the swirl is. This is the worst place, because here people tell you that you are balding but you just can’t see it by your own. You have to believe them even if you don’t want to. The slow painful process once started has no end till your scalp is as shiny as SG Club ball before the first delivery.

A balding guy is a salesman’s delight. He believes everything you tell him about regrowing hair. From gels and spells, lotions and potions he can try anything to stop his parting family. He can even puncture his scalp for thousands of times to get that shade of hair back on the sterile scalp. He can get a poly-ethylene cap to pretend a hairy cover. He eats white granules and drinks green oil. He takes desperate measures to grow them back. Spends money to bribe them and stop. But all goes down the drain along with the hair that give such a heart ache.

Once the majority clears the ground. The balding person painfully swallows the truth. People joke and laugh on his agony. He gets new nick names and shoe shine kits. He is now more experienced and appears more mature. Some try to compensate the body hair by experimenting with facial hair. Some grew beard or Mustache but once gone there is nothing coming back on the top of the table.

Fortunately right now there is nothing much for me to worry about. I am simply blaming the pollution and water for the loss of hair. In fact those with a big fore head are lucky persons. So consoling myself I can say that  I am not balding I am just getting luckier these days 🙂

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Faking Compliments

In Humor on September 22, 2011 at 11:48 am

“What a great place is this!!”, A property broker said when he entered the gate of hell.

It is amazing how an estate agent or a car seller can give convincingly fake compliments. You know that they are lying their brains out. But their expressions, their voice and that glare of admiration makes you believe in whatever adjective they use to describe any piece of crap. If they can give fake compliments why can’t we?

We men are very bad at complimenting. We can never manage to give any ‘satisfactory’ answer to some very difficult questions. Many time we come across various awkward when your girl friend asks you, “Do you like my dress?”;”Do you like my hair?”;
“Do I look fat?”
The truth
You know the truth. You know that these questions demand praise. All you have to do is LIE. Compliment them, praise their heavenly appearance. But we just can’t. We are helpless by the burden of truth. Even if we try to say something ‘satisfactory’ our low confidence comes in the way. The voice drops, awkward pause, hesitation, scuffle of neck or any other ‘micro expressions’ that can give away our facade of lie betrays us. We just can’t compliment them.

In female world every non-compliment is an insult. That is why  ladies meeting each other praise every damn part of their body or ornament they can lay eye on. They will scream, jump, dance in the trance of complimenting. They will not leave even a single female participant from the generous supply of compliments. They expect the same from us. But listen.. God did not make us that way. Even if we like something we just don’t express it. It’s not Manly to express our emotions on material things like earings, or fake color of hair, or the satin dress or any hopeless pair of shoes. Max what we can do to compliment you is to pay the bill… But then these emotions even I can not express to any female in my life!!

So I learned the other way round.. I learned from estate agents, car dealers, female colleagues. I learned how to fake a compliment. Once you learn it’s freaking easy to do. The first thing is to learn some basic words and the tone to say them. Like when you say ‘wow’ stress on both the ‘Ws’ and a longer than usual ooooo. When you say ‘awesome’ Exhale all your breath in ‘awe’ and ‘some’! Try to animate. All the ‘great’ ‘delicious’ ‘incredible”beautiful’ should be appropriately accompanied by hand and eye gestures. The more animated you are more ‘satisfactory’ the compliment becomes. These can be used when you have absolutely nothing to say and the female is looking at you with loomy eyes. These are pressure busters.

If you happened to have a lot of time to think a compliment. You can be diplomatic . You don’t have to lie nor say the acrid truth. When asked “If I look fat?” you can say.. “If I call you fat what should I call Mrs. Mehta, she is like a baby hippo!!” This way you can successfully divert an awkward question to the most beloved topic of gossiping!! There are also other ways to get away from a appreciation traps. Like appreciating any mundane object like sandals or earrings. If you don’t observe anything just say something about their hair, They always do something with hair. This blind shot always hits the bull’s eye!!

The HusbandHowever the most dangerous situation comes on dining table. You come home after a heavy day, your wife has arranged the table and made some alien recipe. Without any notice or prior warning you are invited to the table. Photos of the dish are already there on Facebook. The world can now see your wife’s cooking skills and your anguish. You are helpless but to be a guinea pig. You resolve and get ready for the experiment with stomach. The dish gets served and you search for any operating manual how to eat stuff.. No escape!! You some how manage to put that ‘edible’ in your mouth and that’s the moment of agony… You know the food is hell, the salt is not proper, spices are not right. Your face twitches. The eyes are filled with pain. Throat refuses any entry to foreign particles. And the devil’s daughter your wife is looking down for compliments. The real man, swallows the pain and food, He empties the dishes and burps the sorrow. He looks at the satisfied wife. She has the joy of having captured world’s awesomest guinea pig ever from world of matrimonial. And you have learned the art of Lie!!

So guys!! Faking compliments are great tool to lead a successful relationship. It can also help you to get advances in female realm. Not only that but also it helps in corporate world where a lie is as worshiped as a boss’ dog!

Be A Man! Do the fake compliment!!

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