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Another rainy day!

In His Story, Story on September 3, 2011 at 11:47 am

A Rainy Day

I woke up today hearing tender trickle on the window shade!! AGAIN!!!

The sky was dark, darker than when it was during dementors attack in Harry Potter 7. Little drizzle with small droplets of water was coming in from the window onto my face, I was feeling like little kid peeing and splashing his own urine on his pants. The cold intoxicating breeze like a breath of a deadly snake was foul by gutter odor. Gloomy weather, half wet cloths and stinky air were ideal condition to sleep off the idle day and skip work just as Sun did today. But my stomach grumbled and twitched, un-brushed teeth and gas in my stomach made me get up and perform my daily rituals. I had to leave this filthy bliss of bed and rotting warmth of moss infested rug to get going.

Water was already nauseating me, mere mention of it was good enough for me to dry puke and avoid any water contact what so ever. But you know, “Water is Life” and all, I had to use it, to brush, to clean my filth, to wash myself after that. I thought of skipping the bath for a day but if i do that today it would be a week without shower, so I strike out that thought for the sake of hygiene, I dry washed myself with wet tissues and put on a lot of deodorant. I was acting like a deodorant to the deodorant. We successfully cancelled out each others odor. So I put perfume. Nice provogue shirt and comfortable pepe jeans were waiting for me where I dropped them last night. Right at the spot near my spanky clean lee cooper shoes. Rainy season is good for leather shoes, no dirt no whitening of black shoes, whatever little mud that gets on them can easily be scratched out with a pen or nail for that matter, they get spanky clean with a small dip in stagnant pothole water bodies. I found two dried up mismatching (matching is for blouses) socks lying in corner of my shoe rack under old newspapers.I got ready, did my hair in the rayban sunglasses and i’m off to work.

I don’t carry umbrella, Umbrella is for uncles. I buy newspaper. When it’s raining it covers my head and when it’s not raining I can ogle at pictures in Bombay Times. And if a nice girl seats next to me in bus I can always pretend to be reading Economic times and impress her. It’s much much better than Umbrella. I went out, drizzle was still on, Two dogs were making love with each other in this romantic weather, A human couple walked past them in the gutter waters. Holding hands, laughing and dirty talking with each other to get in the tempo. I thought they got inspired from the dogs. I washed my shoes in one of the potholes, they look awesome. I polished them with my pants on the calf. Three girls of my company were standing at the bus stop. I smiled, They giggled, I ogled We moved on..

I found my perfect spot in the bus, I can see every girl that boards the bus. Their wet hair, drenched cloths, charming perfume makes my travel entertaining. Some smile at me, some try to flirt, for some I try to flaunt my muscles through my wet shirt. They enjoy. I like rainy season. It makes girls a bit more horny. I ignore most of them.

I don’t care about office. Work is a pastime to get money and buy more cloths. I don’t smoke. So i bought a water bottle. I add some vodka in it and drink off the entire day. I feel fresh when i get out of my cubicle. The rain continued.

I stay late in the office. My boss gets impressed by that, in the night there is none to complain about my bad alcoholic breath so i don’t have to use mouth freshener now and then. No girls around to disturb me while downloading movies and songs. I ask girls to do my work in day, they get it done from their wannabe boyfriends. I don’t sleep with any of them.

I called cab, the driver was dozing so I gave him some of my booze. I drove like Schumacher He slept in the back seat. Rain went on, there was a girl drunk and puked outside my door, I put her on my Neighbor’s doormat, went in, dropped my cloths. Removed my shoes. And went to bed.

Wishing to God there be no rain tomorrow!


Do Not Reinvent the Wheel Copy Paste it

In Dil Se on May 26, 2011 at 11:41 pm

They say the prehistoric human who first invented a wheel didn’t know what he was doing. He might have seen round boulders rolling down faster than the square one and that might be the flash of genius for invention of wheel. Since then we have come far from heavy stone wheels to alloy wheels and even moving further to spoke less wheels. But the basic concept of having a round circular minimum friction element to ease the movement of heavier irregular element over the surface of earth has not changed. So that does not mean we have invented various wheels but that means we just innovatively found various ways to use the wheel.

Most of the times in our professional life especially when we are infants crawling into the corporate world we do not understand the meaning of this “not reinventing the wheel” term. When you are an engineering graduate freshly out of oven of practical and manual calculations you tend to verify everything you do with a critical scale. You do not believe in the rule of thumb or standard practices anymore. You feel that being an engineering graduate you should know what goes behind this stuff. How every stuff works? You then start digging into the matter; you question age old standards and practices. You try to make difference by adding your own inventions. Your efforts can be right, logically correct but utterly useless.

Unfortunately this world does not revolve around technical superiority. This era demands innovation not invention. Innovations are someone else’s invention wrapped and decorated by your intelligence. Many of these innovations have copy pasting as a major inspiration. Innovations cannot be pulled out of thin air. Each innovation needs to have an invention in its backbone. Hence to make some innovative findings we have to copy paste the original invention and edit, re-paste, debug and rerun it to make it look like an innovation. The decorated innovations sell. No one looks back into the source of cntrl-c. There should be no shame in doing copy pasting if it is easing out some efforts. Although a true copy paster should not be a blind person otherwise there will be some invention to happen for sure.

I believe in copy pasting. Every engineer does that during submission period. All the practicals and journals are copy pasted. No one has his Final year project report entirely drafted by him without any kind of wikian copying. It’s not cheating to copy if you have read the whole thing. But blind cntrl-c, cntrl-v exercise does not help. You should at least change the format, active voice to passive voice, combine sentence al the grammar you learned in fifth grade will help to innovate your reports. The same goes correct for your deliverables in a project. Copy and paste whole world is balanced on these two things. It starts from copying phonetics in early childhood to the end of the life. It is the eternal truth and gets better by every cntrl-v hit. It is no shame in copying from a learned in exam, after all you are the one who is writing in the exam, you should get all the marks you deserve. Why to re-invent something which is already available in the answer sheet of neighbouring nerd?

On a closing note I want to remind you all that all the inventions are result of great hard work of their inventors, but all the innovations are result of further more hard work and dedication of the innovators. To innovate you have to do the copy pasting but it’s your ability and skill that make you different if someone else can find your cntrl-v worth another cntrl-c.

Become a better liar

In Dil Se on February 10, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Lying is the most difficult thing. An underrated art which is not well acclaimed by society. Even though at some point of time everyone lies, but hearing someone justifying it makes us go on back foot. We don’t trust the liar even if he is telling a truth. Rather we cannot differentiate when the liar is lying or telling plain truth. A lying artist is the one who can make a rapport among people about his trustworthiness. People know he is indeed lying, but his words should make them believe in him. He is like a magician who by trick of his act makes people believe the unimaginable.

Lying needs to be refined. A crude lie is an easy catch. TAO’s Art of war says that to win a battle you should know your enemy. Lying is like a battle. A battle against the truth. This battle is difficult since truth obviously has better chances of winning. This means you should know exact truth about things which you are going to lie about. Making things up won’t help if you want to pour a lie down your victim’s throat. Know the truth, decorate it with attractive words, make it farji and then present it to your client. Now even if there is any truth peeping out of the attractive lie, he will just ignore it. Because no one wants a bitter truth but a sweetened lie.

George Costanza once said, a lie is not a lie unless you stop believing it. To be a better liar, first you should believe in it. Believe in the lie, think around it. Make up details, Gather evidences, close all the loop holes and then present it with confidence. For example if you want to lie about your previous day’s sick leave in office, don’t go with a smile on other day. Rather don’t bath, don’t make your hair, be as filthy and sick as you can. Take some old medicine wrappers with you, keep them next to your monitor or keyboard. If someone passes by your cubcle cough or sneeze or just give out a loud sigh. You should be so lousy in your actions that everyone should feel like you needed rest but for sake of work you came to office. Then after lunch hour go to boss with some work, take a tissue with you. Discuss work with boss, and when he is saying something blow your nose into tissue paper. Irritate him with this. After some time he will finally ask you about your health. Now tell him that you didn’t come yesterday because of headache, body pain etc. (for symptoms of general sickness refer Wikipedia). He will ask you “how are you feeling today?” You tell “A bit better than yesterday, but badly need a rest”. Whack!!! Boss will let you go early from the office. It’s just matter of your acting skills if you fetch one or two days more of paid sick leaves with a lie. Go home and enjoy!

Once a lie is deployed, stick to it! Never go back to truth. If the truth is very heavy to bear, then just twist it so it suits you. Accepting a lie is not an option. Say I was not aware of it or someone else tricked you into it. But keep your wicket guarded. Join the truth if needed, take a diplomatic stand, Hide the lie but never accept it. If you are a girl then it can just be avoided with a cute smile. If you are a boy you already have a brain to get out of it! Just be sure that it won’t back fire you!

Being a good liar has great potential. The best thing is it increases your creativity, your analytical skills. You can create a lie, decorate, build things around it everything with a great creativity. There is no limit for a lie. Only truth has got physical limitations. What may go wrong analysis is must for lying, if you can’t think of trapdoors to get out of lie you may get into big trouble. Think twice before you say, but Think twenty times before you lie. The efforts of lying will pay off sooner or later. Just believe in it and the Lie will do its work.
Summing up I would like to give you inspirational examples of great liars. Narad Muni was a liar, his lies were famous in 3 worlds but everyone still believed him. Yudhishthir, Bhagwan Krishna everyone lied for the sake of betterment. Bill Clinton, George W Bush, Narenrdra Modi, Shashi Tharoor all great politicians have lied.

Dhirubhai Ambani, A Raja, Ambani brother, Mark Zuckerberg all great businessmen are proved liars. Lying was never a problem for them, they just did it with full confidence and belief that it appeared as truth to everyone else. What went wrong was that they got caught and that what important is!!

Be a liar, just don’t get caught!!


In Dil Se on February 6, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Meetings haunt me! Since the time i came into this corporate world I had meetings. Meetings with HR, Meetings with department  head, meeting with team managers, meeting with team lead, meeting with colleagues. By the time my first day ended i had seen all board rooms but not my cubicle. And since then i just have meetings but i couldn’t understand point of going to these meetings. People just come in to the rooms, some stats geeks fool them with bar charts and pie diagrams, some yawn, some tweet, some just complete their last night’s half dreams. No one is interested what the other guy is saying, it’s all gonna land up in their mailboxes just after this torture. But still they call meetings, and waste some official time.

They say if you are bored in office having nothing to do call some people in a room and have a meeting. If you are a manager or a team lead it’s your birth right to call and ask people some awkward questions. Review meetings are the most fruitless of all. These have no agenda, no purpose, no outcomes nothing. Just people come there like a frightened sheep, boss ask them what they were doing, people lie and boss lets them off. I wish someone should just say the truth “i was attending your meeting, I could just do nothing”. I wanna see boss’s face on this.

The funniest things happen in the teleconferences. Specially with an off shore party. If it has a time difference of around 12 hrs they are worse. First of all we have to match our clocks. Then there is hopeless day light saving. I just don’t understand these Americans. They live in air conditioned apartments, offices; Use all the electricity for heating and lighting; still they want to save the day light! What ever! These changes in time zones cause a lot of problem. And then there ought to have a bragger who has just returned from the on site duty will expose his half knowledge of american systems in their lent accent.

So we call the other party, either these are in early morning hours or late nights, Whenever you plan either of the two parties will be sleepy like hell. If it’s a video conference then you can actually see people in back seats dozing off. I spot them and call their names out loud just to see their reactions. Out of 1 hr planned meeting most of it goes into understanding what the other guy is saying. SI-British units, Queen’s and American English all are just great chemistry for confusion. I prefer to go to these meetings cause out of 1 hr of alloted time we only have 10 mins of fruitful discussion. Baki sab Bhak chodi!!!

I feel there should be mannerism classes for meetings too. You need to be crazy to play your Sheila ki Jawani ring tone in front of VP. But you just can’t keep your phone silent. And if it’s more important to call and tell your wife that you wont be getting the Sabji from bajar than 2000 cr Rs business deal. Then dude why are you here? Go and buy the vegetables. Akhir Papi pet ka sawal hai!!!

Beherhal, My time is running out and i need to catch a meeting with my ex GF’s dad, To discuss some drinking plan I need to get off. But before that to all you Jaspal Bhatti fan i want to remind one of episodes of Flop Show in which they have a sarkari meeting just to discuss and fix the date of next meeting 😛

I Think i’m in Love

In Her Story on February 5, 2011 at 7:00 pm

My Dear Diary,

You know this cute guy i told ya about, from my office! he is such a stupid guy you know! Total idiot. Today also i tried to talk to him, but don’t know why he just shy away from me! I just don’t like his attitude, But his idiotic reactions make me real crazy about him. I just wish to be with him, don’t know when this will happen 😦

Today also he was in my bus, there was a seat vacant besides me but he just goes in the back seat and goes to sleep at once. I tried to shift in my place just to suggest him “Hey mister, There’s a Seat HERE!”. But no he just likes his window seat and his sleep that’s it. No girls in his life i swear !

Ok, Let’s give him some chance, So i waited till he came to the swipe in queue but then again he takes Stairs to come up, then fumbles with his Bag to take out the card, Then stands there with all his geeky stuff out into open and bewilderment on face! I just laughed my heart out 😛 It was so funny you know! All other my girl friends think he is a flounder, bumping here and falling there, Spilling all his food on shirt, All clumsy Dumsy dusshiiiee he is! He is Jusht Shoo Shweet ya know!! I Love him!!

So i just waited to see his confusion and also till my smile was a bit abated, I walked near him, My heart was ponding in my chest, hair coming on eyes i was so nervous even to go near him; I know my other girl friends say he is an easy catch but i was so nervous, Somehow under my breath i said “good morning” to him! And hurriedly walked past him! I just couldn’t wait for his reply, but i hear None!

Oh Dear Diary! Will he ever notice me 😦

He just didn’t answer Me 😦 my heart was so upset! How can i tell him how much he is cute! I am just not understanding this! Please help me!

You know after that also i just waited out of queue to get a chance to say him ‘Hi’ But then suddenly this Rahul (who BTW know my crush on him) Dashed him from behind and waved me while making face’ Sala Idiot #@$% ! I also replied him, Made face, mockingly waved him! But by the time i look at my cutie pie again he was walking past me! Looking down at floor counting cracks on marble! He just walked! I was just shocked, i just couldn’t say anything I remained there Standing!

Whatever diary I think He just doesn’t want me! There must be someone else in his mind! In his Heart! No place for a girl like ME maybe! I must not think about him now! Let’s get back to work! WHERE is that stupid Time Sheet???

Good Marning Fellas!!

In His Story on February 4, 2011 at 7:00 pm

I enter my office. Sleepy with 45 mins bus ride, takes stair to climb up 4 floors. The breath is heavy, mind is confused. I fumble with my bag to search for the swipe card. The card comes out with all junk from the bag, mobile charger, head phones, data cord all entangled with swipe card strip. I somehow manage to take the card out, people in the queue of swiping start yelling at me to do it fast. They go past me to swipe it in time, my juggling with all the stuff intensifies. I feel like a retarded child.

And then suddenly when I have all contents of my bag out of it entangled like small intestine she comes, shimmering with most pleasant smile ever. The world suddenly starts moving in slow motion. Yelling people in queue fade out in blurriness. Ticking clock of swipe machines waits a moment more to tick out next second. Looking down with shying eyes she tucks her hair behind her ear. And smiling through corner of her lips she walks past me. I hear a faint “Good Morning” amongst the commotion flying into my ear. I am transfixed.

That greeting transforms me. The retarded child standing with his broken toy suddenly transforms in to a devil with opened up intestine of a dead man in hand. Chest swells, biceps bulge out, tummy goes in and shoulders spread wide. With the gesture of owner of the company I swipe in on the machine. It approves with a long beep. I turn around with bag on shoulder and pride in heart to greet her back and walk down with her through the corridor to cubicle.

And there she is, standing a bit away from queue, elegantly balancing her purse on shoulder, waves at me. I am on heaven.  I lift my hand to wave her back but just then a giant arrogant bull dodges me from behind. I look at him with as much rage I can summon in my eyes. But he just walks by unheeded by my malicious look. I am angry on him. He continues to walk down straight towards her.

She smiles at him. Fanatically Waves her hand to catch his attention. I feel like left alone in the world. I feel like everyone around me has seen my idiotic assumption of her waving at me. Giving me some recognition. Greeting me, smiling at me. I feel ashamed. I return back to my being a bullied donkey.  Shoulders down, eyes scanning the cracked tiles. I continue my walk through the corridor towards the cubicle. I am too embarrassed to look up.

I walk to my cubicle sits down on chair, turns on the PC and pushing aside Image of her smile I start checking out my Time sheet!

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